A year after I left School I began my working life at a 'Game' store in town. I cant quite believe I lasted a year there to be honest. A year is an achievement for me even now!
There was a boy there who bullied me a bit.. I remember crying a lot, but he soon left. I wasn't able to cash up because of my Alien head, and I often made silly mistakes at the till but I could
help with all the other physical stuff. I think I was lucky to have a really soft hearted boss there. I'm pretty sure if it was up to the Deputy at the time, she'd have fired me without a second
thought!! I swear I was the bane of her life haha. Oops!
When I was 18 I decided I wanted to leave Game in the end and go to work in Marks & Spencer's across the road. I applied as a Christmas temp job and wanted to stay on so I took a look at the
Permanent jobs on the notice board one day, when just at that moment a Dragon walked past.
(I called the bosses 'Dragons' because they were super scary and never stopped breathing fire and their attitudes were hideous).
She stopped, and in the most shudderingly, high pitched, patronising little voice she said "Oh Hi Laura! I see you're looking at the Permanent positions! I'll give you a shout later and we can
have a chat about it if you like!" It was weird. But I went with it and agreed.
Later on, and surely enough, a colleague called upon me to attend the Dragon's office upstairs, so off I went!
I kid you not. I think I spent all of 3 minutes in that office.
I walked in and before I was able to even take a breath, she said "Thank you for coming to see me Laura. I wanted to speak to you today because - what with you looking at the permanent positions
earlier - I felt it was only right that I address this early on. I want to tell you that you should not get your hopes up about obtaining a permanent position with us, because it's not very
likely that you would be kept on. Okay? Is there anything else you would like to discuss with me today? No? Okay then, thank you Laura...."
I was absolutely gobsmacked. I knew she hated me. Most Bosses hate me, and I know that I don't live up to their expectations because - although I am an Alien - I don't look like one, but
they soon realise I'm not as efficient as others and the hate starts!
But Christ. She must have reeeaaally hated me. I was so nice to everyone as well. All the time. I always have been! It's in my bones to be friendly and polite. That doesn't stop bosses
though.
The intimidation, disappointment and hurt I felt from that Dragon was terrible and I'll never forget the feeling I had from rejection like that.
The years came and went with more dead end jobs and unpassed probationary periods. It was evident that my capabilities in the working world weren't up to the standards required to maintain an
actual normal everyday job.
My Alien traits made me a poor time-keeper, my lack of focus caused me to make silly mistakes as well as finding it increasingly difficult to complete work, or keep to deadlines, never mind
the utter incapability of juggling multiple tasks at once.
With my Specific Social Anxiety on top, it made it difficult to become likeable because all they saw was a silhouette under a cloud. They didn't see 'me'.. I was just a substance-less shadowy 'being' a lot of the time. No one ever knew the 'real me' at work because all I ever wanted to do was become very very small and hide under my desk!
A couple of other times of rejection down to my incapabilities included going into work at the Audi showroom one day (I was a receptionist for all of 1 month) and being called into the office to be fired at 10am. Being forced to do the walk of shame, just when you've settled in for the day, SUCKS when you already have Anxiety. I recall the sweat sticking to my clothes as I packed away my things as though I'm right back there.
Another ADHD job fail was when I first started embarking in a topic I actually had a passion for. Property. It was my first real job. I became a Lettings Assistant. It was fantastic. I showed
people around properties on viewings and processed their applications. It was great, especially getting out of the office as it was more engaging and I was focused on nothing but the task at hand
when I was out and about. And that was OK because I enjoyed doing it!
There was a woman there who was Dragon-esk but I called her Ursula (Yes from The Little Mermaid, that was exactly her... even down to the way they both applied their lipsticks - if you've seen
the movie, you'll know!).
She was my direct boss and she was quite mean to me most of the time with snide comments here and there. She made me feel really anxious and intimidated constantly. If I ever had to sit
in the office with her, it was really hard work. She loved all the older ladies though and they loved her back in return. It was just me she didn't like and it was painful at times but I put
up with it as much as possible because I loved my job.
Then Hyperfocus happened.
We'd just applied for our first home and my obsession kicked in. I was designing all the rooms, buying things, searching for things, researching it all day, every day. It was relentlessly on my
mind with every waking hour. Ideas and thoughts like a pinball machine with too many balls inside!!!!! I was super excited and I couldn't control my urges to feed the obsession. When I was alone
in the office I would spend ALL my time scrolling and searching and looking at all different things. Until one day, I was pulled up for it which lead to me being let go with the line I know only
too well:
"You're a great girl Laura, a lovely person, but..........."
I did stay on in the Lettings world for a short while but it was pretty traumatic at the next place with the owner discriminating against my Anxiety. It was a time of my life when I was in a real
big black hole and she took me aside and told me that my issues were not real or as serious as others in the office who are struggling with cancer scares, and proceeded to name that person!
This was upon my first day back after a stress related period of leave where my anxiety was at one of it's worst phases ever. I've never had to take long term leave like that. Ever.
I was struggling though, and I needed that meeting to tell her that I wasn't ready. Having this response caused me to completely malfunction. I was a terrible mess. I was having a huge
anxiety attack and no one approached me to comfort me. No one even asked me if I was ok. They were all her minions there, and they certainly didn't want to get on the wrong side of her so they
chose to turn away. I didn't cope and I walked out and never went back.
The only time I haven't felt like an Alien was when I worked at the Argos Contact Centre which is where I work now. The first time I worked there was in (or around) 2009 I think. It was great...
Although it was 'Post-Dragon', I hadn't really experienced too much of my SSP at that point so I wasn't any the wiser as to how good I actually had it there where my mental wellbeing was
concerned. Naturally, I was still rejected to be kept on past a Christmas temp though.
The second time I worked at Arg it was 2013 and I lasted about a year! I went back because by that point I knew it was a laid-back place to work and I needed some easy earnt cash for my impending
travels. I was so happy to have actually been able to get through probation. I felt so free there that my physical hyper-activeness really showed. I would have chair races and throw paper at my
friends. We'd have "Friends" catch sessions and throw big parties for Children in Need which I remember being really restless and loud for but I also felt so good and completely liberated
inside.
This time is the third time. I returned after having my little girl for the flexible hours. I knew it was the one place that I could rely on to easily get through the interview and I knew I was
capable of getting through probation so it was a no brainer really. On top of that, knowing I wouldn't have any SSP again was a blessing. I can me fully myself at that place for some reason. I
think it's a mixture of things. A big office space really helps because I can be lost in a sea of people so I don't stick out like a sore Alien thumb!! Argos are also crazy inclusive of all sorts
of different people/Aliens so even though they didn't know I was an Alien (nor did I know what kind of Alien I was) I still always felt at home there. It's nice not to feel singled out
or intimidated or anxious. It's like I can properly breathe, and walk in with my head held a little higher.
The office has actually now been sold and I'm working from home which isn't the greatest thing from a productivity perspective but at least I'm obviously not going to be experiencing all that
Anxiety. I just get really easily distracted by my hyperfocus and by anything and everything here. It's too easy to get up and walk away from the desk for no real reason! (That's an ADHD thing)
or google something or write something or call someone or type in my Auto-blog-raphy haha see what I did there ;D