Helloooooooooooo there!
I'm really blank on how to start this and really struggling to funnel all my thoughts properly to get it down chronologically so I'm just winging it today.
I've got SO much to write about. Okay. Firstly, I finally managed to get my hyperfocus back onto the kitchen just enough to get it finished and sent off on the Planning Portal. I think it helped
that we had the green light on the funds front so we knew it would be a case of the sooner the better and it takes about 5-8 weeks to come through. If it comes through.
Following this I stayed on the kitchen track and rejigged a bit of it. I don't know if any others with ADHD are like this but I am literally THE most indecisive person in the world and even when
I really like something, if it's not like 100% perfect, there's this certain uneasiness inside of me that I just can't shake. So in true me fashion, I have been tweaking and tweaking until
finally, I'm completely happy.
It's weird though because I get the same kind of feeling if I..... (ADHD moment again) I'll come back to that haha!
..... 5 paragraphs on and re-reading and the flow resumed!!
............Same kind of feeling if I go out for a meal but the seat isn't right. Like I have an issue with the lighting, or that the table is on one of those ridiculous sofas you get... Did I
come out to eat on a sofa with a bunch of strangers right next to me? - Really don't get that. Or like if the table is in somewhere that feels out of place.. The lighting is a big one though. If
the lighting is too bright or too dim then I almost always have to move because I cant shake that horrible feeling sitting there. Oh also - and this is one thing that fellow Aliens will probably
relate to - if I'm not the one facing away from the restaurant when I'm going out for dinner with 1 other person (like my hubby or a friend or my mom) I end up having a meal with everything in
the restaurant OTHER than the one person I'm there with. I can not focus. I focus on EVERYTHING happening around me other than the person sitting there.
So yeah. Wall view for me.
Anyways, all the kitchen stuff came to a bit of a stop yesterday as my kitchen lady is off till Tuesday (I know right - Alien trying to be patient with that isn't great lol but focusing on other
stuff to keep my Alien head satisfied)
Satisfied. That's a great way to describe it. If I don't have something to focus on or I've hit a wall (like this one) where I can't do any more, I HAVE to fill that void with something else to
satisfy the compulsion to hyperfocus. So it went onto furniture and decorating our bedroom today. I've been fiddling around on AutoCAD again to see what I can fit in where, googling beds and the
best storage solutions for our space, and pinning colour pallets, on Pinterest. So it's been pretty productive and I want to start painting like right now!!! (That's my impulsiveness showing
through right there) Literally getting on this asap.. This is actually replacing something else I had in my plans which fell through which was the carpets but we're kinda stuck on that with the
lockdown and my painter and decorator who is doing the woodwork is booked till the end of JUNE. Great. I don't have anyone else I can trust with this stuff. And he's super reasonable as well.
Again - not too sure if this is another ADHD thing. I just really struggle to change people, services, etc. I also really struggle with petrol stations and parking spaces. I will never forget how
upset I got with Paul once for choosing to park somewhere unusual in the multi-storey. It seriously messed my mind up! It's really odd!
I've also been recognising something recently. All these years I've been bigging myself up because of how patient I am in order to achieve/obtain exactly what I want. I'm not saying I'm a brat..
I'm just saying I'd rather wait than to settle. Like if you really wanted something so bad but you couldn't have it because it was too expensive and you knew you'd have to wait some years to save
up and get it... but then you had the chance to get something that was similar but not as good but you could get it sooner. I would be the one who saved my ass off and waited.
This is talking long term though, about larger things in life. It also involves my perfectionism and determination. Not only that but I normally have tunnel vision on that one thing and
there's no swaying me and I think it's all that, rather than patience because I do get insanely excited and itchy footed about this stuff too.
BUT...
When it come's down to short term, day-to-day. Waiting in that queue, somebody talking slowly, trying to say all my words before the person I'm talking to speaks because it's really really
important in that specific moment in time that I don't forget what I'm going to say and I KNOW that as soon as they speak it will disappear into the abyss and I'll really kick myself for
forgetting..... (true story)...
I find it sooo hard to listen to monotone either or slow speakers. Especially on the phone. Like you know when you get that customer service person who you can 100% tell they would rather be
anywhere else and they're just droning on and there's long silences? That. I just don't compute with that sort of person. It makes me want to fall off my chair and fully merge into the floor. It
drains my entire life. Like my head is literally rolling everywhere lmao. I have no patience OR focus to listen to an automated voice either. I get to number 2 and I am gone! It's highly unusual
for me to get through all the number suggestions and for me to get through first time. 9 times of 10 I have to try and listen to it all over again at LEAST once.
There is also the matter of having a conversation with someone while I have Laia in the room (Laia is my 2.5 year old daughter for anyone reading this who doesn't know) It's basically an
impossible feat. I have to apologise to anyone I've ever spent time with whilst other children are in the room. I really really struggle with conversation and it really sucks because there have
been quite a number of times where I've gone to see a friend to catch up and I feel so shitty when I've left them because I realise straight after that we've barely spoken because I've just
not been able to keep up my end of the convo. I hate that so much.
The last thing I'm not sure has any ADHD relation. But it is an Anxiety topic. (Trying not to make an Alien story out of this so just deleted a ton of insignificant non related info and started
again!)
In a nutshell I had to go to my first ever emergency Dental appointment 3 days ago because I found out some of my tooth came off (top molar) I was bricking it because I have actual fears about
any kind of procedure (even down to a blood test) but it's one of those things that you just have to go through to well.. live on really lol. So I didn't have a choice and just went. I thought
they could fill it in but worst case would be Root Canal. Those two word were what freaked me out the most.... Until the Dentist turned from the x-Ray to look at me and tell me that it was a case
of extraction.
o.O
I started to tremble. I said "No.. no it can't be. You don't understand! I can't do things like this!! I can't, I just can't, there's no way I can do it. I can't do this!" Tears were falling, my
breathing was getting heavy, I could feel myself losing grip on everything. My head was light and dizzy, my eyes were jammed shut and my hands began to tingle and go numb. I couldn't
breathe.
That was up there, almost on par with the worst attack I've ever had. It was horrendous. I felt so embarrassed after I'd come to and when my breathing had returned to normal. They were brilliant
with me though. They helped me to get my breath back and chatted to me for a little bit after to make sure I wasn't going to pass out if I stood up.
They've referred me to be sedated for it anyway. There really isn't any way in hell I would be able to endure it awake. I don't even understand my fears. People are like.. What are you afraid
of?! (with this kind of stuff) Its the notion of it. the feeling. The unnaturalness. The pain too I guess but not as much as the actual idea of the procedure.
Anyways I'll leave it at that because I have fully rambled the crap out of this post!
Ciao x
