I feel like a blog post was in order today. It's been a while I know but sadly that's the nature of the beast. We pick things up, burn ourselves out by rinsing the fudge out of it, drop it, and
either forget about it for a decade or erase the interest completely so there you go!
Right. I feel like utter rubbish. I feel lonely, trapped, and isolated. I have this mountain of Alien energy inside me to burn and nowhere for it to go. I've ostracised myself from everyone I
once knew, apart from a couple of friends who are busy with their own shit (and that's totally cool and I love them no less for that - I'm actually super stoked they are doing fine so it's a
positive, not a negative).
I find myself burning my fuel off with all-day housework and relentlessly researching the crap out of everything ever.. desperately trying to keep my head above the water I'm sinking in
by obsessing over what cups to buy for the new kitchen, or what type of slate chippings I should get for the gardens, scrawling through endless pages upon pages of Google search, pictures,
shopping, websites. I spend so much time and hyper-focus doing this that I'm experiencing headaches, migraines and total exhaustion in the latter part of the day.
Well today I stopped.
I found myself sat there staring through blurry vision at the corner of my laptop for an unmemorable period of time.. with no thoughts, just an agonising silence with a doomfully heavy cloud over
my head. Since then I've not really had the motivation to do much at all apart from feel this reverberating loneliness swallow me up.
I mean I know something has been brewing. I keep thinking I could go out on Friday night if I had money to. But I cant though can I? I can't go out on my own lol.
We had planned an evening with my old work friends who are actually amazing tbf. Everyone dropped out though and then it rained so hard that day that we knew it wasn't worth it and we cancelled.
No one is free to catch up. I could actually dance now that the restrictions have lifted! Not only that but walk around and not be confined to my chair. This in itself is everything for me..
Aliens really don't like to be in the same place for very long.. It's like being in a cage!
I need to also spice my life up with some spontaneous outings. I want to walk out of this house right now and drive out to the middle of nowhere and just hike somewhere or something. I want to
take a friend and vanish for a night. Just do whatever. Swim in a lake or some crazy shit.... Yanno.. like actually LIVE. Where is my life? My life is an LED screen. I don't come downstairs after
work.. I finish and keep scrolling because I know I'll only be spending the evening sitting downstairs watching boring TV or scrolling the net looking for inanimate objects to fill my life with
instead anyway! Again!
Me and my hubby are just co-existing at the moment. We're just uninterested in everything which is always the sign we need a couple trip away.. apart from we cant because we're ploughing
everything we have into this house right now. I've spoken to him to ask him if we can talk more because I feel so far away from everything, including him. He agreed and that's what we're
going to do. So that's something.
I don't understand why I can't hold down a friendship these days. It used to be so easy. I have massive anxiety now, that I am not enough.. that I'm just generally dislikeable for whatever
reason. This causes me to feel weird and like I need to try harder to be someone that the people around me will like and gravitate towards. I never used to have to do this because I knew that my
group of friends loved being around me and we had genuine friendships and it was easy and comfortable. The sad thing is, as we grew up, they changed and became more false and meangirl-esk and I
don't feel comfortable around that sort of person.. I'm too happy go lucky and non-judgemental to be like them.
I guess I'm also really bad at replying to messages. I think that's an Alien thing too. I get too easily distracted and then forget, I can't multitask so I need to dedicate time to write the
reply and we all know what Aliens are like remembering To-Do's! And it seems like I'd be climbing a mountain to type a whole message.
They are all massive traits though when you think about it.
- Easily distracted.
- Forgetful.
- Struggle multitasking.
- Poor time management.
- Small tasks seem enormous.
So I guess I've answered that question.
I had a friend from work message me not long ago actually. He lives quite far away though.. but it was nice of him to get in touch and I really appreciated it. I just need people who will pester
me I think lol!
I also had another work friend who said she'd noticed my absence. We spoke again for a bit but then I just stop and I don't know why. But it sucks because me and her get on so well.. We're just
always on the same kind of level. The chat is really easy, like it used to be with my old group I guess!
There's another friend I have, and we talk a fair bit but it's easy because its just a few words at a time like a proper conversation but over messages kinda thing.. I find that soooo much
easier. We get on pretty well but he's not easy to pin down for a face to face catch up really.
My best mate is a busy bee. She's my go-to girl. We're more like sisters than best friends in a lot of ways. We've known each other forever and grew up together. We've got tonnes of the same
interests in common - I think possibly as a result of that lol (including tasty beverages of course hehe!) She's got a lot on though with her new house amongst other plans!
My other best one has her own struggles a lot of the time so we're sometimes a little bit limited on what we can do. This is because hers effect her in the opposite way mine do which causes
her more social anxieties. She has been doing really well in recent years though to be fair.. She is literally the strongest person I know (she would never agree with that statement but it could
not be more true xD)
It's not only about that though, she has a big family and understandably this takes a fair amount of her time! But we miss each other all the time and when we do find the time to catch up, we
always end up laughing so much! It's brill <3
I know it could be much worse. I think for any "normal" person they would be pretty content in my position so I think it is mainly the Alien brain that's making me feel this way. I will make a
conscious effort to get out there, be more spontaneous and connect more.. No matter how hard it might seem at the time! I think the main thing is face to face interaction for me but you've got to
start somewhere to get to that or it would just be a bit random lol.
Anyways, I actually do feel a bit better after getting all that off my chest to be fair. Probably a fair bit more than I like to share but I won't post this one on my feed straight away so I
doubt many will read it anyway :) x